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September 2010
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September 2
Smoking in Trenton "Liar, liar, pants on fire,"
September 1 Welcome to this week's edition of.. Steve's guest is New Jersey Department of Education spokesman Alan Guenther. The subject is the reported $500,000 the department paid to Wireless Generation, a Brooklyn consulting firm, to help with the recent, near-miss Race to the Top application. We join the show already in progress. "Mr. Guenther, exactly why did you hire Wireless Generation to help with the application?" "Because they have expertise, Steve." "What kind of expertise?" "Check boxes. When it comes to check boxes, no one can touch them." "So they helped you check boxes on the application?" "You make that sound easy, Steve, but you're wrong. You saw the governor plop that thousand-page application on the table last week, didn't you? That was a lo-o-o-ot of check boxes." "Half-a-million dollars worth?" "They handle multiple-choice too. There were a lo-o-o-ot of those." "Okay, let's take our first call. Hello, Red from Red Bank, you're on the air." "LET'S QUIT TALKING ABOUT THE CONSULTANT AND GET TO THE REAL PROBLEM HERE... THE OBAMACRAT NIT-PICKERS.." "Governor, is that you?" "...OF COURSE IT'S NOT ME, YOU TWIT. Oops. Got another call. Bye." (click) "Was that the governor Mr. Guenther?" "...uh... I don't.... no... No. Absolutely not." "Okay, on to our next caller. Audrey from Denville, you're on the air." "If they had put that half-a-million toward pensions, ten retired teachers could have summered in Cannes next year! TEN! No wonder our kids are so stupid!" "Steve, I have to object here. The caller is really Barbara Keshishian from the New Jersey Education Association." "I AM NOT!" "Now, now. Let's everyone calm down. Mr. Guenther, how do you respond to the caller's comment?" "The (cough) caller (caugh) implies that New Jersey's children are stupid because we don't pay our teachers enough. That's just not true. In fact, our kids are stupid because their teachers are stupid." "YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!.." (click) "Sorry there Audrey. Had to cut you off. Well then, on to our next caller. Bud from Bud Lake, you're on the air." "IF WE GOT WHAT WE PAY FOR WE'D BE SWIMMING IN GENIUSES! THEY'D AWARD PHDs INSTEAD OF HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMAS! ...(muffled) Can't you see I'm on the phone? Tell the lieutenant governor she'll just have to wait!...." "Is that the governor again, Mr. Guenther?" "Oh no, Steve. Absolutely not." "It sounds like the governor." "I DO NOT SOUND LIKE MMmm... him... (angry whisper) You said this line had a voice changer on it! You're fired, you twit!" "Sorry everyone. Let's try to move on. Our next caller is Dave from Cape May. You're on the air, Dave." "Thanks for taking my call. That definitely was the governor, Steve. I'd know that voice anywhere, and I recognize the words too!" "Is that you, Mr. Schundler?...." September 1 In Case You Missed It ..But How Did They Do In the Rollover Test?
Yes, dear reader. Elle Decor has catalogued and presumably test-driven the top 10 bar carts. Missed it, didn't you? There you were worrying about your unemployment insurance running out and missing out on the really big stories. Shame on you. Roger Ebert on Fresh Air, NPR, Aug. 13, 2010 (recorded in 1996) The long-time Chicago Sun-Times movie critic and co-host with the late Gene Siskel of TV's At the Movies spoke with Fresh Air host Terry Gross. Editors who select an interview highlight to feature on the NPR web site chose some Ebert mutterings about "La Dolce Vita". No, no, no. The real highlight was Ebert's account of a long ago interview with a very drunk Lee Marvin in Marvin's home.
According to Ebert, the actor's dog had just trotted out of the bedroom with a pair of panties in its mouth. The following dialogue ensued MARVIN'S GIRLFRIEND: Whose panties are they? August 27 Interview
with a Mindless Bureaucrat NJUA: Gov. Christie says New Jersey’s application flunked because of a very minor clerical error. A mindless bureaucrat could have simply called for the correct information or found it on the Internet. Mindless Bureaucrat: Yeah. So? NJUA: Well, couldn’t the mindless bureaucrat have done something about it? MB: They did. They took off 4.7 points. NJUA: No, I mean something to remedy an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, inconsequential mistake. MB: You mean they should have taken Amtrac to Trenton, got the correct sheet and slipped it into the application without telling anyone? NJUA: You make it sound like cheating. MB: Oh. Then they should have crossed out the erroneous information, written in the correct information, and initialed it? NJUA: That sounds better. MB: Unless you happen to be Ohio. They beat you by 3 points with the right set of figures. NJUA: But don’t you have any concern about the school kids of New Jersey? They’re the losers here. MB: Sorry. I can only speak for the Mindless Bureaucrats. You need to talk to the Heartless Bureaucrats… Oops, sorry. They’re all busy turning down applicants for the New Jersey social programs your governor cut. NJUA: No need to be snide. Gov. Christie says bureaucratic stuff like this drives people crazy. MB: Not in Ohio. NJUA: Oh come now. You have smoothed it over with Ohio. MB: I’m confused now.
Which one of us is mindless? August 27 Honky Tonk Landmark Department
Let's visit the Ocean County Library in Toms River where we can gaze upon these, oh, what would you call them? Crazy crates? Listing lampshades? Tilting tank traps? Alien outhouses? None of these things, of course. We're talking abstraction here (even though they do resemble futuristic cheese graters). For these elusive attributes and an substantial burst of je ne sais qua, this site has been officially named a Honky Tonk Landmark by our our colleagues at the Honky Tonk Landmark Committee. We hope you'll come visit -- but no cheese, please. August 27 Toward More
Accurate Language In today's edition NJ Politicker.com reports on a $500-a-head fundraiser for State Sen. Sandra Cunningham who will feature among her guests "retired U.S. Sen. Bob Torricelli." Sounds like he just couldn't stay awake. Perhaps NJP was being kind to its regular columnist. Perhaps NJP was being slyly ironic. It's too much subtlety for a beautiful Friday in August. So let's come up with a better word to describe Bobby's status? What word belongs in this phrase? "_____________U.S. Senator Bob Torricelli" Please make your selection from among these alternatives or send along your own.
We'll forward your choice to the editor of NJ Politicker! _________________________________________________________________________________ August 20 Hair Helmet
Hullabaloo TRENTON -- Lawmakers debated Sen. John Girgenti's comb-over after this unattributed photo appeared on today's NJ Politicker with a story by Max Pizarro. Republicans were less than kind to the long-serving Democrat from Passaic County. "This is worse for our state's image than "Jersey Shore"," said Republican Sen. Tom Kean Jr., whose district 21 includes unusually small proportions of comb-overs, funny-looking people, and new money. "Ditto," said Sen Kip Bateman, Republican from the 16th district where comb-overs are forbidden by local ordinance. Sen. Nick Sacco, Democrat of North Bergen, who sits directly to Girgenti's left in the senate chamber, defended his colleague's hair style. "It doesn't hurt anyone. It has never flown off in the wind. In fact, it's pretty damned secure," said the senator who has a closeup view. "Actually it's quite remarkable. I think he uses Clairol and Elmer's." August 19 The headline read: "NJ police boss turns self in, gets speeding ticket" This is not the story that followed: TRENTON, N.J. — Col. Rick Fuentes, superintendent of the N.J. State Police has confessed to speeding on the Garden State Parkway where he was pulled over by a state police officer who did not recognize the Colonel's state-owned SUV. The officer did not write his boss a ticket. Fuentes claims his admission was prompted by the 1997 movie “Liar, Liar” in which an attorney played by actor Jim Carey was unable to lie for 24 hours. Earlier this week, Fuentes turned himself in and requested that he be issued a citation. “I was doing 74 in a 65 mph zone,” Fuentes told N.J. Uber Alles. “No. Wait. Who am I kidding? I was doing 80. Okay, maybe it was 110. The superintendent also admitted that he had downloaded “Liar, Liar,” a copyrighted film, on the Internet. “I’ve asked the attorney general to charge me with copyright infringement,” Fuentes said. Fuentes also said he would pay to dry clean the trousers of the state trooper who stopped him before realizing who he was. August 13 "Poll shows N.J. voters think Gov. Christie is 'stubborn'" according to NJ.com. We wonder if perhaps the relevant question on the poll went something like this: What word best describes Gov. Chris Christie? (please check one) □ stubborn □ avuncular □ indefatigable □ truculent □ opprobrious □ edacious □ lugubrious
Okay, so we know those weren't the choices. Nevertheless, we suggest this question: What word best describes most political polls? □ extraneous □ manipulative □ irrelevant □ tangential □ ambiguous □ befuddlesome□ confoundaceous August 9
Foggy Kimball's Diary
The Big Guy is whistling a happy tune. He’s feeling a lot better now. You can tell. He’s leaning into the refrigerator sampling everything he can reach. I think it’s the munchies. It all started earlier today just after we had finished shoring up the main floor at Drumthwacket -- and not a moment too soon. The governor tripped on a rug in the foyer. A Hepplewhite sideboard broke his fall, but he still hit pretty hard. Luckily he landed right where we had just installed a bridge jack in the basement. It’s rated for 80,000 pounds, but I’ll bet they still felt tremors in Hopewell. You should see the basement with all those bridge jacks and six-by-tens. It looks like a telephone poll farm. But the floors are a lot steadier now. Too bad about the Hepplewhite; one minute it’s a polished walnut, antique gem, the next it’s a pile of 19th century splinters. And before I could sweep ‘em up, we had to get The Guv back on his feet. Thought we were going to need a bridge jack for that too, but he was pretty nimble. It only took three of us this time. But the poor guy was hurting. Mary Pat saw him up to the bedroom as the stairway and upstairs floor joists groaned. We felt it as much as we heard it when he finally hit the bed with a thunderous “wumph”. Not much we can do about that second floor. Just have to keep our fingers crossed. It just wouldn’t do to have a phone pole forest on the main floor of Drumthwacket. So the doctor arrives and visits Big Guy upstairs. Then I find the doc threading his way through the poles in the basement. He’s looking for anybody who might just have some medical marijuana. “You know,” he says, “grass, pot, bhang, hemp, herb, reefer, Mary Jane, Panama Red, Maui Wowie?” I confess that I was fresh out, and so the doc explains his problem. Seems the Guv is in pain and a couple of puffs of ganja would help him out. But The Guv says no. He won’t use it if it isn’t grown by Rutgers University, and Rutgers won’t grow the stuff because it’s against federal law. That kind of threw me. I mean, if you collected half the weed in Rutgers dorms, you’d need a 10-yard dump body to haul it away. And besides that, the doc says the Guv would only use wacky weed if it were administered in the hospital. Then, of course, we’d have to worry about the Princeton Ambulance Corp’s springs and shock absorbers. Anyhow, the doc says, The Guv had resigned himself to wait out the pain. Well, this doctor hates to see
anyone suffer, and he has an idea. He’ll get some medicating
cannabis into The Guv without him knowing: he’ll bake it into
brownies. As it turns out, almost everybody. I asked around and explained how the Big Guy was suffering. Everybody came through – cooks, gardeners, office staff, cabinet members, legislators, everybody but the State Police. They wanted to help, but they’re a little jumpy and they only share with each other. There was enough for two whole trays of brownies. They were still warm when the guv polished them off in less than 30 minutes. Now, just a couple of hours later, we’ve got a happy governor again. Of course, we can’t tell Big Guy what really happened. The doc says go easy. He may not be able to handle the truth just yet. Anyway, as soon as I get done sweeping up the Hepplewhite shreds, I’ll get to that trail of brownie crumbs on the stairs. --Foggy
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