And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.
In a flash of lighting, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the ARK and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems."
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Art needed a sprinkler system and apporved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violation zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front year, so I had to get a variance form the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the US Forest Services that I really needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Services won't let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammar.
Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filling an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaintfiled with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing descriminatin by not taking atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice form the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to registed the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
And finally... the ACLU got the courts to issue an injuction against further construction of the ARK, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and therefore unconstitutional
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.
Noah waited.
the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to clam.
A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No, "He said sadly, "I don't have to. The government has already done it for me.