BEER DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

SOLUTION: Buy another mug and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many mugs as necessary until drinking technique is perfected.


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass is empty.

SOLUTION: Find someone who will buy you another mug.


SYMPTOM: Room is spinning.

FAULT: Somebody is spinning your barstool.

SOLUTION: Vomit on person doing the spinning.


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SOLUTION: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Loss of self-control.

SOLUTION: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.


SYMPTOM: Lap cool and wet.

FAULT: Drooling on yourself.

SOLUTION: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.


SYMPTOM: Bar blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

SOLUTION: Find someone who will buy you another mug.


SYMPTOM: Bar moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

SOLUTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.


SYMPTOM: Bar looks like a circus.

FAULT: You're at a circus.

SOLUTION: Go to a bar.


SYMPTOM: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backwards.

SOLUTION: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and leash you to the bar.




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