The Chile Squad

Chapter 1

by Richard Opersney and Mark Holm


All names are fictitious, but belong to real people. All chinchillas used in testing of this prose are guaranteed to be synthetic ones.

The year is 1981, with Regan in the White House and the Soviets in Afghanistan the cold war was going full strength. Little known at that time a threat far more evil and insidious was rising in Ohio and much more dangerous than the Soviet military.

Theme music - The Stone's "Satification" blares out.

"This is the story of The Chile Squad. A secret group of citizens worldwide linked by computers. Their mission: To preserve life, liberty and the Chile Head Way of life!"

The chile red '68 Mustang with a 402 was racing down I-95 at 95 mph out of Death Valley. In side the car are three members of the Chile Squad. At the helm is Crazy Coyote and in the back is Peyote Pup fixing some weird chile laced food as usual.. As the car raced down the highway, Coyote's mind was racing even faster than the car. It wasn't the nubile chile maiden (NCM) that kept him up all night that was on his mind; no, big trouble was brewing and it wasn't Coors! They were on a mission from God. The Coyote was really nervous, one of their own had turned against them!

"Smoky Chipotle, ChileHead! The Cardinal is up to something!" said Coyote
"That spells trouble, Crazy Coyote. Contact Doc Pepr on the Hot Line! And pass the Sontava..." replied Peyote Pup.
As Crazy Coyote finished his last chocolate covered habanero filled with Sontava; he grabbed the bright orange phone out of the car's council and pushed the orange button.

Immediately a signal was sent from the car's antenna to a orbiting satellite and then directed back to earth somewhere deep underground in Texas.

*** At TekTaster Laboratories, secret ops base of Doc Pepr, 33 1/3 femtoseconds later ***

"Hmmm, Scoville's only 5,760,000 on this one. Why so mild all of a sudden? I wonder..." mumbled Doc Pepr

[BellPhone rings (yes, it's shaped like a Bell)]

"TTL. CapsScreen Dept. Spill it."
"Is Guava a doughnut?" asked Coyote.
"Pain Is Good." replied Doc Pepr.
"Has Grover a passport?"
"It depends, is Dover a seaport?"
"Doc, thank Quetzalcoatl you're there! We've got a 3rd degree situation blossoming."
"Slow down, Loco Pup! What's got your Anchos in a ristra now?"
"It's the Cardinal! He's developed an n-axial inversion ray capable of turning stuff inside-out from a distance of 1500 miles! He's already turned two thousand Tabascos placenta-out, transformed Wisconsin's entire Habanero harvest into nabaHeros, and we think he's behind the San Anselmo Caper Caper!"
"Great Scott! Do you realize what he intends to DO with that insid-ious out-rage of evil in-genuity?!?"
"Uh, no. ChileHead and I kinda thought you would tell US."
"It's obvious! Look at the cover story in this week's issue of Agro American.
I'll hold." ....

As coyote glanced through the magazine at 109 mph, he thought: The Cardinal had always regaled in his chile laden haggis...... but without chile in it... the though shook Coyote down to spine!
"The 'sheep ish'?" asked Coyote.
"Right you are, Kid Canine. The first commercial flock of oatmeal-fed merinos goes mobile tomorrow, headed for market, but destined for something much more shocking, infinitely more dangerous, something impossible to fathom without plumbing the limitless depths of the Cardinal's capacity for mayhem..."
"Uh, how about a clue, Doc? Bigger than a Bread Basket?"
"Closer than you think, Ditzy Dingo. Right now we must mobilize all our allies against the Murderous Monsignor of Molcajete Mashin's! I'll put out the word on the ChileNet; you round up the Teen Titrators! We'll need every able body that can be Mustared! Where's ChileHead right now?" "Making a Hab-Apple Cobbler, with Prik Kee Noo Preserves."
"Good! Tell him we're going to Code Purple here."
"Check. Crazy Coyote out."
"Roger, Hot Howler. Doc out."
Little known to the Chile Squad the infamous SAGA (Soviet Attempt to Gag America) corporation was deep into it's plan to destroy mankind's desire and love of hot and spicy food everywhere.

*** Meanwhile, in the subterranean caverns far beneath the Irresponsible Research Department of Miskatonic University, secret lair of the Cardinal ***

"MWAH-HAH-hah-hah-haaaa!"

Will the Chile Squad (with the aid of the Teen Titrators) be able to burn off the Scourge of Scoville before he transforms the Midwest into the largest, freshest Haggis the Free World has ever seen? Tune in next time, Same chile station, same chile time.

Crazy Coyote
Howlin' for Habaneros
"More Chiles is better" - Mark Miller
Laissez les bons temps rouler!



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