Posted to the Chile-heads Mailing List by
Hurley 'Bad Monk' Braden" HURLEY@odysseus.bio.auth.gr

From The Journal of Obfuscatious Experimentation. Feb 1993

RATS, ASPARTAME, CHILE, AND YOU

Princ. Investigators : Dr. Joe Bob Don, Dr. Festus C. Adams

Mary Ineedtograduate Badly,
Stephen Itsbetterthanw Orking,
Homer Idideverythingthisr Eallysucks


Abstract:
Testing of two chemicals, on labratory rats, under strict observation, to determine possible harmful effects, before testing on human subjects. The substances tested were aspartame, and chile-peppers.
Introduction:
Exhaustive research in this area has been done before, but we will do it again. After all we have to publish something or it's our necks come tenure time. Also, we have several grad students that we want to run through the mill. Anyway, Joe Bob and me... er.. I mean Dr. Joe Bob, and I were down at the coffee house discussing ways we could torture rats...whoops !... conduct valid, humane tests on rats that would yield significant data on something or other. When we hit upon the idea of measuring the physical, mental, and social effects of chile-peppers and "Brand-Name" artificial sweetner on said rats.
Methods:
The Rats-R-Us supply company had run low on rats, so we "borrowed" 30 rats from other peoples experiments. Our criterea for selecting these rodents was fairly strict. First, we had to have access to the laboratories from were the rats were obtained. Second, rats with greater than a thirty percent deformity were not selected. (I.E. rats with five legs were ok, wereas rats with six were passed over). The rats were then devided into three groups, the tubbos, geeks, and chile-heads. Each rat was then placed in a corresponding cage, with a feed lever. We then filled the feed bins of the tubbos with "Brand-sweet", aspartame containing sweetner. The bins of the chile-heads were filled chiles with varying levels of "hotness." And, finaly the geeks bins (the control group) were filled with nothing. We then went to Hawaii, for the strip clubs .... er I mean for a month long conference on inhumane uses of laboratory animals, and improving cruelty.
Observations:
That's what Grad. Students are for.
Results:
Our graduate students did not check on the rats for the entire time that we were at the club RockZa ... whoops ! .. conference. When we returned we noticed that the geeks (control) group had died. Big Suprise. Graph one plots the live rats vs. time.


                10 |**                       10 |++
             R     |          graph 1.    R     |         graph 2.
             A   5 |                      A   5 |
             T     |                      T     |
             S   0 |              **      S   0 |              ++
                   +------------------          +------------------
                     1  10   20   30              1  10   20   30
                          Days                         Days


The tubbos, also suffered a similar fate. They did however, look much thinner. Graph 2 shows the fate of the fatties over thirty days. The chile-head rats however were thriving as demonstrated in graph 3.


                      10 |  CC             CC  graph 3.
                  RATS  ...
                       0 |
                         +--------------------
                             1   10   20   30
                                   Days

Not only were the chile-heads thriving, but they were displaying odd behavior. Several chile-gardens had started, one rat had started what appeared to be a hot-sauce company, several others had managed to get internet service in their cages. All of the rats had several different hot sauces in their cages. They also would sing the old Johnny Cash song "burning ring of fire" at indelicate moments. One, red-necked rat was listening to Hendrix, while a bald rat was chasing a worm around "in" a Mescal bottle. The strangest things though were the botulism poster, and a crude chile-temple were odd goings-on were going on.
Conclusions:
Previous claims about the adverse effects of aspartame have been greatly exaggerated. The only adverse affect we noticed was death in 100% of test subjects. Chile-peppers however, are another matter completely. The strange behavior displayed by the chile-heads goes far beyond two standard deviations of the norm (graph one vs graph 3). This by itself is very alarming. But, the strange social behavior displayed by the Chile-Heads is very strong indication of other harmful effects of chiles. If chiles were consummed in mass quantities by humans, well, it just wouldn't be pretty. Also, the rats strange enjoyment of the chiles, has upset us, because we must now find a new way to torture .... er a new experiment...

But, the real conclusion to all of this is if we can find some ridiculus journal to publish this crap, it will look good on our resumes ! And, maybe we can get Tenure, and never work again.

Bibliography:
Fun With Rats : Marquis de Rat
Torture made Easy : Torquemada
How To Write a Research Paper : Dr. Seuss


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