You Know You're a Chilehead If...

From the Chiliheads Mailing List

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You Know You're a ChileHead If:

1. You don't have to worry about your roommates stealing your food
2. Your toilet paper spontaneously combusts after use
3. Dave Hirschkopf thinks *you're* crazy
5. Your Chile recipe is in violation of more than one nuclear weapons proliferation treaty
6. Your used kleenex tissues glow in the dark
7. Nobody asks you to do the cooking at your family reunion
8. Your kitchen utensils were designed and built by NASA
9. You're tired of people asking about those dried Thai peppers floating around in your breakfast cereal.
10. Your pepper garden is visible from the Moon
11. You use capsaicin-based pain ointment as a food additive
12. You have to file an environmental impact statement every time you make a batch of salsa.
13. The diaper service refuses to pick up your baby's soiled diapers
14. You have more than five Operstenys on your speed dial
15. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks
16. You go into a medical clinic for a routine blood test and you get the strangest looks and your name isn't DancesWithCarp
17. You know every single one of Scott Sehlhorst's middle names
18. More than half of the souvenirs from that last tropical vacation were hot sauces and spices
19. Your monthly Mo Hotta Mo Betta order is free shipping & handling.
20. You throw a scrap of food to the dog and he looks at you as if to say "you must think I'm an idiot"
21. The only reading material in the house contains at least one of the following words in the title, Chile, MO, Pepper, Hot.
22. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
23. You can correctly spell and pronounce chipotle and capsicum, and you know to which food group they belong.
24. You never go in to a food store without checking the price, or selection of hot peppers and hot sauces.
25. The door of your refrigerator has more than thirty bottles of hot sauce.
26. The sissy salsa you made, accidentally, seems to set most of your coworkers on fire.
27. You have at least one item of clothing or a coffee mug emblazoned with chiles.
28. The law requires you to build a six foot high fence around your swimming pool and Chile garden.
29. Your flatulence is capable of peeling the paint off the walls.
30. Your hands are so tough from handling hot peppers, you occasionally, forget and touch something that isn't so tough.
31. Hotluck is a word in your vocabulary, and you've been to one.
32. "Ring of fire" and "burns twice" actually mean something to you.
33. You suspect botulism can't grow in the habanero based sauce you created last winter, and you aren't afraid to test the theory, on your brother-in-law.
34. You carry your own bottle of "Inner Beauty Sauce" into restaurants.
35. You have more that 3 variations of Inner Beauty Sauce in your fridge (and none of them are "homemade".)
36. You can tell the difference between the "original" and "new" Inner Beauty Sauce
37. You care about beans v. no beans in your chilli/chili/Chile
38. You think of hot sauces as final products having recipes, not ingredients
39. Chips are only a means of carrying salsa from the bowl to your mouth
40. You rate chili by how long it takes the skin under your eyes to sweat
41. You rate all foods by how long it takes your nose to run
42. You apply capsaicin in unorthodox ways (repel your grilled foods with pepper spray, snort powdered peppers like snuff, intentionally grind peppers in your coffee grinder)
43. You keep bleach and contact lens cleaner in the kitchen, next to the gloves you "should have worn"
44. You don't know how hot the salsa really was until you kiss someone else, and they run for the nearest faucet
45. You know more about TMV, botulism and whiteflies than the whole staff of your local county extension office
46. You request penance from Cardinal Begg after particularly bland activities
47. You know how to 'tape' a cat
48. You know what a tilde is, and how to use it.
49. You bring your own peppers to a Thai restaurant, and tell them, "Start with these..."
50. You know what 8-methyl-N-vanillyl-6-nonenamide is, and how to use it.
51. You take tender loving care of your plants, and stress them out with abuse every chance you get.
52. You have a bottle of Contact Lens wetting solution in your kitchen, and know how to use it.
53. You have ever put Chile peppers into your smoker themselves.
54. You know what an unsubscribe command is, and DON'T know how to use it.
55. You've ever danced with carp, howled for habaneros, sought Chile sisters, taped a cat, or jerked a chicken.
56. You are frequently described by a name composed of the word "Leather" or "Asbestos" followed by the word "Mouth," "_ss," or "B_tt."
57. You have more than one molcajete, NOT in use as speaker stands.
58. You know how to make horseradish, and why not to.
59. You hand our Ripe Habaneros to trick-or-treaters when you run out of candy, and you draw little jack o'lantern faces on them before handing them out. "They're itty bitty pumpkins!"
60. People laugh when you invite them over for dinner, look at you like you're crazy, and walk away without answering.
61. People suddenly remember, that the very night you've invited them for dinner, they'll be having that elective surgery they've been postponing for years. (And they actually get the surgery instead having dinner, figuring, correctly, that it'll hurt less.)
62. You laugh (devilishly) when you invite newbies for dinner.
63. It's not mealtime, it's time for a fix.
64. You accidentally add a glop instead of a drop of that radioactive hot sauce (the one with the chemical taste and smell) and say to yourself "Oh well, it can't be _that_ hot" and it isn't.
65. You have mornings where you can't tell if your butt is sweating, or crying.
66. When your friends at work try to find something too hot for you ...and fail.
67. When you friends ask if you're going to put hot sauce on your pumpkin pie and you do
68. Your spell check file contains words such as; Hotluck, Chipotle, capsicum
69. You label temporary backup files *.hab
70. After 5 years, your sister STILL complains that your Chile ruined her stomach
71. The waitress doesn't believe you when you order
72. You own stock in Tucks medicated pads
73. You've ever eaten Salsa with the words "Insanity" or "hell" in the name, straight.
74. You know you're a Chile-head BACHELOR (or college student) when...
- you can make a Taco Bell burrito taste good...
- a "hot date" involves you, a Chile pot, and a dozen habenaros...
- you drink Chile-beer, from a bong...
- the word "capsicum" turns you on...
- you know what Sexually Transmitted Capsaicin means.
75. If you've ever tried to _literally_ Smoke a Jalapeno
76. You mix habs into the cheese before stuffing your poppers, for flavor
77. You search the recipes on the CH web page, and enter your own name as a criterion, you get multiple hits
78. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
79. You know what a merkin is (in both Texan and English)
80. You consider _eating_ hornworms, because the capsaicin may not be digested
81. You take ground peppers to lunch with you, and your co-workers don't flinch
82. You keep (at least) salsa, sauce, dried, and dried/ground peppers at your desk for booster shots to get you through the day (probably more for most of you, but I just checked my drawer here)
83. You brag about the size of your pepper(s)
84. You've offered your sister to a complete stranger (thanks again, those who have)
85. You use cheep beer for 3 things - drinking, making Chile, slugs
86. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
87. You don't assume that cajun means blackened with McIllhenney's
88. If it doesn't quicken your pulse, it ain't worth eating
89. You know enough about substance P to talk to a pre-med at a cocktail party
90. You remember Curtis "a recipe for every occasion" Jackson
91. You have a collection of .gifs and .jpegs of chiles
92. When you search your MC cookbook using "Chile" you get >700 hits.
93. When you narrow it to "habanero" you only get down to 216.
94. You get excited when someone says "they don't make it hot enough..."
95. You also enjoy watching big-ego-idiots (one word) gulp water like lizards
96. You screen dates by ordering poppers or skins as appetizers
97. You dance the Chile head cha cha (new hats- read the Cha Cha Bread recipe)
98. You sign e-mail Givenname "humor" Familyname
99. You play the viola, scratch your Brian, and never misplet cow-orker
100. You have a paintbrush, and use it for sexual purposes
101. You have disdain for NH cops, and donated to the cook's legal defense fund
102. You can make wasabi, kim chee, horseradish, mustard, haggis, ramps, br
103. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
104. You toss the evening's ration of chiles into the wok, and the ensuing blast of vapor sends everyone running from the kitchen crying and coughing.
105. You have ever passed out from the fumes while cooking your favorite dish.
106. YOUR FRIENDS have ever passed out from the fumes while you were cooking your favorite dish.
107. You have ever passed out while eating your favorite dish.
108. You have a WW-II Surplus Gas Mask in you kitchen and use it while cooking.
109. You have to have your family leave the house when make your version of Gen. Tsao's Chicken.
110. You have ever had to sit on an innertube for 3 days because your salsa was too hot.
111. Your S.O. has ever offered you a popsicle while you were in the bathroom.
112. You have asked your S.O. to get you a popsicle while in the Bathroom
113. You have indentations in your thighs from fingernails when you exit the bathroom.
114. You load your air rifle w/ tiny Chile peppers when hunting the neighbors cat.
115. Your children can eat food hotter than you can.
116 You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
117. You have ever told a host/hostess at a restaurant that you are there for the Chile Head gathering.
118. Your regular waiter automatically brings you IB, Melinda's, El Eyucatao, and takes the water glasses away.
119. You don't need see a menu at your favorite restaurant.
120. You've ever sent food back because it was not hot enough.
121. Instead of calling you on your pager/cell phone, Work calls your favorite restaurant to find you.
122. You have ever sent/received contraband Chile seeds from a foreign country
123. You have ever made "poppers" out of Habanero Peppers.
124. You keep the spare rolls of toilet tissue in the freezer
125. Your shorts have strange bleach marks on them when you never use bleach
126. Your flatulence has a whole codicil of its own in the Geneva Convention on Chemical and Biological Warfare
127. People would rather eat with Margaret Thatcher than you
128. People are always coming up to you and saying, "Here, try this one..."
129. You name your pepper plants.
130. People all over the world know the names of your pepper plants.
131. You think of Tabasco in the same way that you think of salt.
132. You notice that Dave DeWitt has written a lot of books. And you have most of them.
133. Your mailman is amused by the catalogs you get in the mail.
134. You can debate the advantages and disadvantages of putting batch numbers on Inner Beauty Real Hot Sauce.
135. You've been to Bourbon Street in Burlington and called the chef a wimp.
136. People challenge you to hot food eating competitions. Once.
137. You carry one of those little Tabasco bottles around with you. Just in case.
138. When cooking, you often start sneezing. Just because.
139. Cutting onions does not make you cry.
140. People know not to borrow your "hand" cream.
141. Friends are afraid to shake hands with you when they meet you.
142. You use Tabasco instead of Binaca.
143. You don't need to tell the waiter at the local Thai restaurant how to prepare it. He knows.
144. The 4 basic food groups are fresh, frozen, dried and powder (chiles of course).
145. You eat a taco with 3+ types of hot sauces/ salsas , alternating each bite with a different sauce.
146. Hot sauce is no longer a condiment, it is the main ingredient
147. You have your freezer filled with frozen chiles, chile powder and dried chiles; your refrigerator filled with pickled chiles, hot sauces , salsas and chile beer; your cabinets filled with canned / bottled chiles and chile products and still wonder if you have enough chiles to get you through the winter.
148. any source of fresh peppers within a two hour drive is considered local
149. You yell "jicama vidalia" at rude drivers.
150. at Thai/Szechuan/Korean restaurants the waiters stop to watch you eat.
151. you shop at stores where you can't speak the language and still come outwith at least 3 new hot sauces/pastes/foods.
152. Sex within two hours after eating gives new meaning to the phrase "burning love".
153. you are _happy_ that you need to "break in" a new server at your favorite resteraunt.
154. your favorite resteraunt takes the "911 Pasta" off the menu but the Chef will make up a "special batch" just for you.
155. you hear your waiter yell to the cook "Make it HOT!...It's for that crazy Chile Head".
156. people at work don NOT wat to try the leftovers you brought in from home
157. you go to a place that serves chili with a liability disclaimer because of the heat and you eat it without touching your drink
158. after you finish that chili, they make it "incredibly hot" and you need to take a couple sips.
159. after you finish the incredibly hot chili, they make it hotter yet and add habaneros, which causes you to finish half of your drink
160. they make a "this guy must be insane" chili and you thank them for finally making something with a nice burn
161. they then offer the new chili to customers that finish the wimpy chilis, but the cook refuses to taste test it
162. if you know about the dangers of using your "pepper" grinder to grind things other than chiles, but you still do it (and LOVE it!)
163. if your spice rack has more types of dried peppers than of any other condiment, and you still think you don't have enough
164. if you think a HOT kiss is when you kiss your SO after eating a habanero (and he/she loves it!)
165. if when you go on a trip, you pay the people at your local nursery to take care of your pepper plants (or you take them with you)
166. your friends ask you to make your 'special' sauce, and they use it to clean their silver coins
167. your bottled sauces explode in your house and you don't clean the spills on the walls/ceiling because they make good conversation pieces
168. you've ever walked out of a restaurant that only serves catsup
169. when your girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/pleasant stranger you've kissed says the chiles you just ate are hurting them.
170. You use self-defense spray as a breath freshner.
171. You live in Indiana and your favorite pepper isn't black.
172. You live in Indiana and you rfavorite chile isn't Hormel.
173. You use more propane than the plumber next door.
174. you know what ch means
175. you show the list to your wife, and she doesn't think it's funny.
176. you show it to your wife and she doesn't understand it.
177. your breath can set off the smoke detector.
178. your breath can MELT the smoke detector.
179. you leave scorch marks on the pillow.
180. you leave scorch marks on the sheet.
181. you recite ph levels to go to sleep.
182. your supermarket labels all peppers as either *hot* or *sweet* and it bothers you.
183. you *tell* them the proper names.
184. your fingerprints can instantly tarnish your silverware.
185. you keep a bottle of hot sauce in the fridge at work.
186. everyone there knows it's yours (extra points if your company employs over 50 people)
187. the toilet water starts boiling when you go to the bathroom.
188. if you know why you're supposed to wash your hands *before* you go to the bathroom.
189. if everybody at work knows why you do.
190. if indoor pests are no longer flies, but aphids.
191. you use cayenne instead of Vicks Vaporub to relieve your kids congestion.
192. the wallpaper in your house is peeling, and there's no humidity.
193. your local tool rental center wants to rent you as a paint stripper.
194. if your heating bill has dropped 30% for no apparent reason.
195. your olx produces nothing but chile tag lines.
196. if you sweat, even in the middle of winter.
197. if you add a category "SPICY" to MCII cookbook software and all your recipes fit the category.
198. if all your signatures start having middle names.
199. if your middle names change with each post.
200. if you can recite the ch'er mail address 3 times without stuttering.
201. extra points if you can do it while chewing a hab
202. When your son of 2 1/2 years asks of the food on your plate: Mommy, is that hot?
203. When your son of 2 1/2 years asks: You like it? Me like it too!
204. When you fling the Victoria's Secret catalog to get to the Chile-head type mail order catalogs.
205. When your Father-In-Law gives you habs when your bring the kids over trick-or-treating.
206. When your family members actually _steal_ the hot sauces out of your fridge cuz you have the best and they don't know where you got them.
207. When you run out of your hot stash at work and have to raid the condiment area of the cafeteria for crushed red pepper and tabasco just to survive the day.
208. When you come to work and have between 50-100 e-mail messages waiting for you, mostly Chile related.
209. When you seriously thinking of replacing all your regular Christmas lights with Chile lights and leaving them up year round.
210. Give up/Avoid foods that don't go too well with chiles - Fortunately this doesn't amount to many.
211. Treat terms like "VERY HOT" / "HOT" on manufactured products with great scepticism.
212. Freinds don't believe you when you say something that you are eating is "Fairly Mild".
213. When looking for a name for your soon to be born baby; "Achille" seems to have a nice ring to it.
214. When a local Asian Takeaway restaurant starts advertising its food in Mild/Medium/Hot/XHot/XXHot/XXXHot/XXXXHot, You decide to go for XXXXXXHot and then plan for the "XXXXXXXXHot" next week.
215. There are stores that call you up, when something hot comes in.
216. You've considered opening a chile store so you would have a supply.
217. You live in a city of 400,000 people, but every store that sells something hot knows your name, and your telephone number. By heart.
218. You will go a hundred miles away for a restaurant that has spicy food. And, you don't own a car.
219. You take out crop insurance on 3 jalps, 4 habs and a poblano - again.
220. With the threat of an imminent, severe hailstorm, you protect the car,the dog and the chile plants, not necessarily in that order.
221. You value your pepper patch so highly that you try to talk your bank into a pepper equity loan. You get a chilly reception :-(
222. You change your will and establish a fund to provide a Chile Reservation for your long-cherished plants. Then they both die.
223. You try and market a game called 'chipotle' where players answer questions in categories about chile lore. 'Double chipotle' brings down a lawsuit.
224. You soak your dental floss in tabasco juice
225. The condensed layer on your kitchen walls could be used as a condiment - and is
226. You are working on an enzymatic treatment for Hunan hand - and other anatomical regions
227. You not only know the IUPAC names of the capsaicinoids, you can draw the structures and are working on synthetic methods based on common household chemicals
228. You explain the difference between gestation and gustation to your wife - while she is in labour
229. You measure heat by HPLC, and send the best ones out by GC-MS analysis
230. You have inserted the gene that controls capsaicin production into cotton, giving new meaning to the term 'hot pants'
231. You are trying to insert the same gene into jicama to make it more CH acceptable
232. You are redrawing Larson cartoons with chile themes
233. You know that gustatory cells don't sweat
234. Your Medline auto searches start with capsaicin, substance P,...
235. You are trying to graft different peppers on to one plant with phased flowering to avoid cross pollination
236. You think there would be a market for KitKap
237. When you overhear your children telling each other nursery stories "....and when she opened the door she saw three steaming bowls of chili on the table...." And you smile.
238. You love Thai food so much that 'prik' becomes part of your social vocabulary with unfortunate consequences
239. When you watch "Voyager," you could swear the 1st Officers name is "Chipotle."
240. You get stuck in a blizzard 90 miles from any city with a population over 5000, but you don't care because you are carrying....a bottle of hot sauce that is.
241. You realized you missed an opportunity to eat something hot or spicy by opting for the oatmeal instead of the egg dish (with tabasco added...the entire bottle...)
242. You stopping eating lunch with your work friends that won't eat spicy food. You create this lunch bunch at work with nothing more in common than a willingness to try every ethnic restaurant in the area in case they have hot or spicy food.
243. You plan your business travel to take you to cities and town known for hot food.
244. You stop at little taco stands and buy 15-20 tacos with special hot sauce in selected cities and then jump on a plane to yet another city. (unfortunately constantly a true story for me...)
245. You can't let the YKYACHW thread die!
246. You consider the tast of chiles coming up, as well, as going down.
247. You know Mark Stevens exit!
248. You know what "Hunan Hand" is, what the remedies are (and that they don't work), but refuse to wear gloves anyway.
249. When you work the 26th of Dec., knowing you can easily catch up on 3 weeks of digests.
250. When Santa brings you a grinder for Xmas and you have to run out to buy a second one for grinding coffee.
251. When despite being a skiing/snowboarding fiend, you can still enjoy the extra peppers provided by a very warm, sunny November.
252. While in a chile-scarce country You make visiting friends from chile-abundant lands bring you chiles, in exchange for room and board.
253. While in a chile-scarce country You offer free lodgings for anyone on the chile-heads list in exchange for chiles.
254. BTW I mean the above (seriously) (no I am really really serious)
255. You not only wait for the mailman to bring you official chile-head card, but you go to the post office to make sure they haven't misplaced it or anything.
256. You know how to aid in the conception of chiles using a vibrator.
257. You can tell the diff. between the Old and New Inner Beauty Sauce, And You Care!
258. You violate International Quarrantine Laws by smuggling Chile Seeds Into the country.
259. You consider habaneros to be one the four basic food groups.
260. Your favorite Mexican restaurant knows you by name.
261. You know why danceswithcarp's brother gives raccoons late-night bicycle rides.
262. You have unwillingly learned the chemical structure of aspartame.
263. You've actually read the YKYACHI list to this point.
264. You've ever been flamed for accidentally sending a chile graphic to the whole list.
265. Your ChileHeads folder in Eudora breaks the 3meg marker...
266. Your URL is posted in Chile Pepper Magazine. (Yippee!)
267. Your message could not be delivered to: Guy Twombly (Mailbox or Conference is full.)
268. You know what Mac Geek eats for lunch, and it does not scare you.
269. You've experimented with bacon, cinnamon, maple syrup and habs for breakfast.
270. You've devised ingenious and horrific ways of terminating slugs in your chili garden; the faster they dissolve, the better!
271. When you daren't touch the rubber gasket in your blender!
272. You believe that if you can still see the waitress, you haven't had enough pepper
273. You drink hot sauce..straight out of a bottle.. who needs anything to put it on?
274. You can argue about how to make Traditional Guacamole like a Texan argues about making chili.
275. The police check out your back yard because your neighbors see you out at night with a flash light working on your garden and think you're growing pot because they can't identify your plants & nobody works in a garden at night.
276. The DEA knock at you door because you've ordered grow lights!
277. When crop rotation means pulling up the orange habs only to replace them with red savina habs.
278. When you work the 26th of Dec., knowing you can easily catch up on 3 weeks of digests.
279. When Santa brings you a grinder for Xmas and you have to run out to buy a second one for grinding coffee.
280 When despite being a skiing/snowboarding fiend, you can still enjoy the extra peppers provided by a very warm, sunny November.
281. You Know Your a Chile-Head.. when you're still on the list after knowing more about the Coriolis Effect/ Force than you'd ever want to know.
282. You know you're a chilehead when you think of a hot sauce idea after dark, and when the idea has finally jelled after 10:30 on a rainy night, you go out by flashlight IN THE RAIN to pick the peppers for this new sauce idea...
283. You have fingernail marks all down your thighs
284. You can levitate without practising T.M.
285. You have an ice-cube making machine in the toilet
286. You can sweat without exercising
287. All the neighbourhood cats are bald
288. You grow chiles in the bathroom, the spare bedroom, the kitchen, the front garden, the back garden and the hanging basket by the front door (true !)
289. Your local photo-shop manager no longer stares when you collect your photos of close-ups of your chile plants
290. If you choose your dinner to go with the hot sauce you've selected.
291. The top of your computer is piled high with chile pepper recipes that need to be typed up and posted!
292. You know you're a chilehead when all of your friends and family now pause over the table full of various snacks/dips/appetizers/desserts you have prepared for a party, point to each item and say "Now how HOT is this...REALLY?" (Even over the fudge!) ;^)
293. When you've recieved several dozen suggestions more than you'd like for the preparation of hog sphincters
294. You buy a house because it has a pepper garden in the back.
295. You add Habanero powder to 5-alarm chili without tasting it first.
296. Any of your dessert recipes call for habaneros.
297. You sprinkle habanero powder on your vanilla yogurt, and when it fails to burn enough...
298. swish your food around in your mouth to spread and/or maximize the burn!
299. when your head explodes and whole body goes up in flames and even your urine burns
300. when you unintentionally pronounce your governor's name as if the pronunciation were identical to that of your favorite food group. (much to the amusement of your listeners). I swear, I'll never think of Lawton Chiles as rhyming with 'tiles' again. What a state! Florida also gave us Claude Pepper.
301. You always save some of the hot chile/garlic sauce in a chinese restuarant for the sorbet dessert. Although if with fellow hotheads ordering more of the sauce becomes a necessity
302. when you pull the plastic stopper out of a bottle of Melinda's XXX because it makes the sauce come out too slow -- and then pop it in your mouth and suck out all the good stuff.
303. You start to follow horses around with a bucket, a spade and a glint in the eye...
304. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
305. You tried Jims Red Savina Bread even after hearing the shrieks and moans of those who tried it before you.
306. Your Name is on the Chile-Heads Listmember Homepage.
307. You got a hug from Firegirl!
308. You have a vague idea what a schmuckendrops is/are.
309. You plan to retire in New Mexico
310. You suffered horribly when the mailing list went down, and were re-subscribed within 2 hours of it's return
311. You bribe your kids to eat chiles, hoping to entice them into the chilehead fold
312. You know how many bottles of hotsauce are carried around in any particular Chileheads car
313. You know you're a chilehead if you are aware that the test of maxims employing the categorical imperative cannot be definitive without presupposing that rational judgment of our maxims has access to all relevant knowledge of El Grande. The probabilistic determination of maxims implies a distinction between the set of actions whose maxim does not correspond to the set of all relevant facts and passes the categorical imperative.
314. Your ICQ number is on the Spicy Food & Dining ICQ List.
315. The anal retentives don't run your favorite mailing list.
316. You know where all the listmembers gardens are located
317. You actually rent (and watch) a really bad movie like "Dumb and Dumber" just because you read somewhere that it contained a scene involving hot sauce or hot peppers
318. When your office-mates get nervous when you exit the restroom smilin'...with tears runnin' down yer face
319. When you detachedly contemplate the nuances of the morning after a hot luck...
320. You know what shrimping is and would consider trying it with salsa.
321. You proudly consider yourself one of the "25 knuckle dragging no-loads" on the list.
322. You carry a bottle of hot sauce in your motorcycle's saddle bags.
323. You are in line at a Chinese buffet and stop at the General Tso's Chicken, pick out a dozen chiles for your meal, and not take any chicken
324. you risk Hunan Eye trying to pour every last speck of the Ass Kickin' Habanero Peanut crumbs into your mouth -- twice!
325. your girlfriend doses your Negra Modelo with El Yucateco and you don't notice- except that the flavor improves!
326. You know you're a ChileHead when you enjoy a good case of anodynia in the morning.
327. You instinctively rub your eyes with your wrists or the back of your hand because you've developed a permanent capsaicin residue on your fingertips
328. You dilute your Daves Insanity with Tabasco
329. You dilute your Tabasco with Daves Insanity
330. You consider using diluted hot sauce spray to keep your cats from eating your Dracaena marginata
331. You run out of Calvin's chile powder before you run out of things to put it on.
332. You did not squirm and cross your legs when reading about having capsaicin instilled by catheter into the overactive bladders of patients with urge incontinence.
333. Your "user dictionary" recognizes "jalapeno", "habanero","chipotle", "chiltepin", ...
334. You object to objections about someone objecting to ads for Tabasco Jeeps.
335. To get a ride to a chilehead dinner you are willing to ride in the back of a Chevy Suburban and risk being crushed by 75 lbs of chipotles should the cargo shift.
336. You save your complimentary round-trip airline ticket to get to the Fiery Food Show in Albuquerque.
337. You forget how many times you've had to type "Albuquerque"
338. when Mcd's New Ad for a Mucho Macho Mcburger with mcsalsa catches your attention as you walk past the TV, and screaming you make a resolution to triple the size of your Chile Plot next year.
339. You get jealous when Rael successfully solicits a marriage proposal to the list and gets multiple responses
340. You've been through at least five "Cilantro Vs. Soap" debates on the mailing list
341. been through at least three "Why not set up a Chileheads Newsgroup" debates
342. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
343. You've found more non-chile related hangover cures than you'll ever need
344. You become deleriously happy when you find adult lacewings lurking amongst your chile plants
345. You have posted a request for 4 metric tons of capsaicin solution.
346. You have engaged in knock-down drag-out flame wars over the ingredients in your bug spray.
347. You engage in serious studied debate as to the best type of pee to use to repel critters from your chile patch
348. You have the equivalent of a masters degree in the knowledge of the conditions underwhich botulin will grow.
349. You've sought grief counselling over the news of the problems with the 1999 Hatch chile crop.
350. You can recite the timeline of the ownership of Chile Pepper Magazine from memory.
351. You are willing to admit that you mistook double strenth capsaisin pain paste for a jock itch remedy, and go into some detail about the repercussions.
352. You are proud to be considered a Knuckle Dragging Neurotic on the list, and are upset when you were not sent an insulting, obscenity laced personal email proclaiming it so.
353. You have a computer in the kitchen and suffer from Hunan Keyboard.
354. the raccoons knock over all the trash cans on your street, but leave yours alone.
355. You _intentionally_ threw soaked hab powder onto the sauna oven.
356. 2 days after making your favorite Hab based sauce, where you washed your hands twice before making out the grocery list, your wife, pen sucker extraordinaire, starts screaming "What did you do to my F*$%^&* Pen?!?!"
357. You buy a second refrigerator to hold all your sauce bottles so you can fit in a turkey for the family at Christmas.
358. you don't get Hunan Hand anymore, since you hand roast all of your Anaheims, Jalapenos, and Poblanos on the grill in the back yard.
359. you've ever walked around the house with sour cream on your eyelids to counteract the burn (from forgetting that your hands no longer feel the heat!)
360. you've made gravlax (Swedish salted salmon) with hab powder.
361. You can rant for days as to whether or not genetically modified corn can kill butterflies .
362. Your seed starting instructions are:
1. fill starting trays with soil, add seeds, add water
2. look for signs of growth
3. put tray in warm location
4. look for signs of growth
5. make dinner
6. return to seed tray; look for signs of growth
7. repeat step 6 every 10 minutes for approx. 10 days
8. jump for joy at first sign of growth
9. post news of first sign of growth to list
10. return to tray to make sure plants are still growing
11. repeat step 10
12. repeat step 11

363. You believe that staring at your seed trays makes 'em sprout faster!
364. You store 3 inch floppy disks upside down so it looks like there is a "CH" embossed in the corner
365. You know what the "Burnt Cat Hair" effect is
366. You move out of your parents' house, but you still grow chiles there.
367. you live thousands of miles away from your parents and your mother calls you out of the blue, not to say hello or see how you're doing, but to plead for varieties of chile seeds she's never even seen, for her fiancee, who is fond of chiles...
368. Every time you vacuum, you find at least one pepper seed in the dust bag.
369. You are so obsessed with pepper seeds, you search your dust bag for them.....
370. Your boss has caught you at least once drying seeds on kitchen towel in the air-conditioning at work, because it's humid and you promised to send them to someone.
371. You keep a roll of loo paper permenantly in the deep freezer...
372. Your new bride, ready for bed, is poking you in the ribs and you're busy posting to the list.
373. Your brother, who worries about your health, leaves the following message on your answer machine:

"It's 10 degrees [F.] out there, and the chill factor is -20. You do NOT want to go out unless it's utterly you ran out of hot sauce or something."
374. You can travel the world and in any language, you can ask for peppers even if you wouldn't know how to ask for a meal.
375. You make a prosthetic nipple from a plastic glove filled with habanero sauce.
376. You get a chile pepper tattoo.
377. You travel hundreds of miles to freeze yourself in an (allegedly secret) muddy pepper patch, and you write happily about it for weeks.
378. You're recognized at your local Hot & Spicy emporium for having appeared in the TV Food Network special "Eat the Heat."
379. You've seen jicama/vidalia one time too many
380. You debate the merits of different types of charcoal Vs. electric for use in smoking peppers.
381. At a Hotluck you discover a tiny little yellow chile in the garden that absolutely blows your head off, tell others about it, and they all try it, more than once.
382. You dub a copy of the "Eat the Heat" special into the PAL format so European CHs can see it.
383. You can remember the nutients and values of composted cow flop for your chiles better than your childrens birthdays.
384. You actually request mail containing dangerous powders.
385. You braid chiles into your hair for the holidays.
386. Kids cry when they sneak food off of your plate
387. Tabasco is your Mouthwash
388. you wake up every day speaking like Cartman.
389. you finish even the bad tasting alien green poop stuff as long as it's hot enuf to make you jump up and down.
390. After grinding habaneros you stick your nose in the blender to take a whiff... even though you know it'll knock you for a loop... (and you know we've all done it before!!)
391. The Mexican woman your friends invited over to try your 'Mexican' cooking tells you that it's a lot hotter than she's used to.
392. When you curse you bottle of Mayan recipe El Ycateco, for having such an annoyingly narrow neck. 393. You dump out the hot salsa at the mexican restaraunt and add your own blend.
394. if you've ever left your peppers on the counter to age a bit and a drunk friend tries to eat one while you scream, "NOOOOOOO!!!!".
395. When you depend on your pepper crop to make sauce, and still don't have enough for yourself.
396. When you fart AND can identify the exact chile pepper you had the night before
396. if you complain to your landlord about the hot water not being hot at all!
397. you snort habanero powder out of curiosity, then get drunk the next day and do it again, just because.
398. When you go to dip your "spicy sweet chili" flavor Doritos in a Bih/Morrich/Savina sauce.....then VERY quickly remember you already had dusted the bag with Smoked Jalapeno & Hab powder.....and continue eating it anyway.
399. if you're already ordering seeds for next year before you are even picking pods from the current season
400. After putting six Thai bird peppers in my microwave tonight to soften them up for tomorrow's lunch only to hear "pop..pop..pop..pop!" Entering my little kitchen, I was greeted with being "pepper-sprayed" after opening the door!

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